A couple of thoughts

With the approach of Anna's first birthday this week, I'm having another crisis of sorts. My sentimental side is gaining on my sensible side and after feeling regret for not filling in a single line of her baby book or writing more than her birth story in my journal, I called a friend wiser and more experienced. I asked how she reconciled the passing years with her four kids. In the course of our conversation I got the answer I needed and had a poignant revelation about what is at the heart of my problem.

I believed I would have regrets about bad record keeping of her milestones or missing the special photo moments (I still wish Mhari could have done a photo shoot. Mhari, if I have another one, I'm FLYING that baby out to you!).

But, what I realized is that what I will miss is the ability to snuggle her, smell her, hear her and feel her warmth. That's an entirely different problem relating to the acceptance of time passing. While it was in ways worse to realize I can't preserve that which I want the most, it was also a relief that I really can do nothing. Isn't serenity found in those who know the difference between that which they can change and that which they cannot?

I am making her a little memento for her birthday and I do have this blog. As I looked back for ideas of what I want to include it was beautiful to see how she's changed. The memories that tugged at me the most were the pictures of her in the Sleepy Wrap (the physical touch thing again). I want to have another baby just so I can wear it some more . To be honest, there was also a part of me that wished for more pictures, but now I know that's not the answer to my dilemma, I am now looking for peace in the acceptance (and celebration) of change and growth.

I didn't feel this sentimental about Joachim, I barely baked him a cake for his birthday, but Jen said that with each subsequent baby she realized more clearly just how quickly time passes. And, having looked through the blog I realized I haven't put up good Anna smiles in a while so here are a few too many for her appr0aching birthday
I'm coming up with a few ideas I think will work for me to keep them babies in my heart. Hopefully I will stop beating myself up over baby books left empty and I will hold the tangibles like pictures and drawings with a more open hand ready to move on.

How appropriate, I just checked this blog I started following recently.